Moan

I’m still a pretty alcoholic

God and Wife are clearly trying to give me a kick up the bum to deal with my alcohol addiction, which I’ve written about previously here. I read this piece in The Guardian the other day and it really hit home – ‘My drinking years: Everyone has blackouts, don’t they?’

I’m like the author. I ‘know the thunderbolt of waking up to discover a blank space where pivotal scenes should be. My evenings come with trapdoors.’ Just a month ago, I woke up in Tinder Girl #4’s bed. Clearly we’d had sex as I was completely starkers. I don’t remember it (read my post here). I don’t remember a taxi ride back to hers. I don’t remember going in her house. There are just hours of emptiness.

I didn’t realise that not everybody has blackouts.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve woken up having no clue how I’ve gotten home. I’m the fit widow version of a homing pigeon. Last week I was out with Widow Bestie. Next morning I woke up with a new blanket – I’d stolen it from the restaurant where we each consumed a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Don’t remember that at all. I must remember to take it back.

I’m surprisingly eloquent and functional even though I’m in a blackout phase. I walk in a straight line, I argue against the privitisation of the NHS, I type texts with perfect spelling.

Until I read the article, I had no idea that the mechanics behind a blackout are pretty straightforward. Drink too much and your blood alcohol level reaches a certain saturation point, leading to the shut down of the part of the brain responsible for making long-term memories (the hippocampus). Get too battered and the brain shuts down.

I’m an alcoholic and even though I’ve started to tell friends so, they laugh it off. You have no idea how hard it is to abstain when living in the City of London; drinking on a weeknight is standard and it’s more than commonplace for there to be booze even in the office.

I don’t know how I got here. Thing is, part of me doesn’t want to get out. I’m kinda self destructing, but drinking some really bloody tasty posh wine in the process.  Why shouldn’t I?

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14 thoughts on “I’m still a pretty alcoholic

  1. Been an alcoholic and drug addict all my life. Found AA and NA 35 years ago, though it don’t mean I’ve been sober all that time. London’s full of AA meetings. Good luck with that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. Here’s an incentive:

    Kissing, foreplay and Sex are way, way, way better when you’re stone cold sober.

    Booze might make you wilder, more uninhibited and more experimental. But, speaking from experience, stone cold sober is just awesome.

    What Billy Shakespeare said in the Scottish Play goes for us lesbos, too. Much as I love a good Burgundy, if there’s lust in the offing, Carrie Nation is my patron saint.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right. You are so, so right. Sober sex with the ex was sensational, even though she was bat shit crazy… Now to find me a future wife and some better alcohol addiction support. One step at a time. Tinder date tonight!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Can I see your ID please? | Eerily Cheerily

  4. hi there – great blog! came across you when idly googling ‘gorgeous alcoholic’ and there you were! I’m interested in how society perceives those with alcohol dependency, and those two words are seldom seen together, funnily enough…

    if you were ever interested there’s a world of sober support available online, such as http://unpickledblog.com/ or http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com/ . it’s pretty good on the sunny side of the street, come and see us sometime!

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    • Thank you for commenting. I’ve come so far since this post, and the original one about my alcohol problem. Wouldn’t say I’m sober, but things have improved with getting more exercise in so that I’m not idly sitting and drinking when I get home in the evening. I’ll check out those support resources. Thanks for dropping by.

      Liked by 1 person

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