Today, I’m praying for my mother-in-law. This is her second mother’s day without her youngest child – a child who took her own life and left us all behind. It devastated me to find out that she was ashamed of her daughter’s sexual orientation and that one of the consequences of that was never regarding me as family – I was left out the obituary and she hasn’t spoken to me since Wife died. At Wife’s funeral, she walked straight past me, saying to her husband, “Eyes down, heads up.” I’ll never forget it.
I feel the internet is not an appropriate forum for me to broadcast the full extent of my grievances with my dear mother-in-law but suffice to say that despite her cruelty (I killed her daughter, remember), homophobia and some of the negative traits that she passed onto her daughter, I still love the woman. It’s frustrating as fuck because it’d be really nice to hate the woman, and probably easier to process. I still love her like a daughter-in-law should because she gave birth to one of the most wonderful, yet flawed creatures in my life. I still love her because I know her spite is a cover for grief. She acts just like my wife would.
So mother-in-law, if you ever happen across this blog, I want you to know that I am sorry for your loss and all the pain. I am sorry that events mean that we’ll never be in touch again. But, you should also know that I love and forgive you. You’ll always be family to me.
I think I’ll go have a proper cry now.