Love life / Moan

More about (lack of) lesbian widow sex

It’s that time of the month when my hormones start doing the “I’m ready for babies, my boobies are bouncing, hit me with your best shot” thing. It would be GREAT to be having good sex right now but, alas, my wife’s STILL dead, dammit, Tinder has not yielded any new suitors (watch this space though for TG#3 next week) and Boy Widower’s man hormones seem to have become all sensible and rational. It’s been so long since I had that special sex where you feel such an intense connection because you not only fancy the pants off one another, but love one another too. You know, the sex where you can let yourself be completely and utterly vulnerable to the other person and lock eyes with them, letting them see a little bit of your soul as you orgasm? THAT. I miss that. Sometimes I wonder what my chances are of finding that sexual connection AND love again. What if I fall in love with a woman but the sex isn’t that good? Do I compromise because, let’s face it, not many women are going to be brave enough to take on little lipstick lesbian widow me? Giving and receiving really fucking good orgasms can cloud my judgement (I had an affair, for God’s sake) so maybe actually what I need is someone who is just mediocre at sex to be sure that I truly, truly love them and am not just trying to plug a gap that can’t be plugged. Maybe I should revisit the idea I had in early widowhood of becoming a nun just so that I avoid romantic and sexual mistakes period.

Damn it, wife. Why did you have to go and die? I can’t even remember the last time I had sex with you.

I’m not going to get too graphic here (offer me a book deal and I will happily channel my inner E.L. James) but woman on woman sex very much requires intuition, agility, eagerness, imagination and stamina. It takes twice as long. There’s no such thing as a quickie. Writing out the alphabet on her lady bits with your tongue does not cut it. Not many women are good at gay sex and if we are, it’s taken a lot of practice. And then, we need to re-learn with each new partner that comes along because everyone feels and responds differently inside (TMI?).  A quarter of a centimetre of change can potentially mean building up an entirely new chunk of forearm muscle. The thought of re-learning exhausts me. The thought of finding someone I want to even re-learn with exhausts me.  I just want to jump in at the good sex part. Please.

The first time I had sex with my wife, I kicked her in the face by accident. Then there’s the time, still early on, when she got a bit optimistic about how stretchy I was “down there” and the sheets on my little university single bed ended up looking like a small mammal had been killed on them. It took a while and a lot of experimenting, but she learned my body inside out. We fell in love. In contrast, last time I had sex with TG#2, I faked it. Twice. She didn’t. Twice. Not fair. Ex girlfriend was the best and most intense sex of my life but, then again, she was a complete psychopath and had me wrapped around her little finger. She was also a doctor so, in a way, it’s cheating because she had a whole degree in knowing how bodies work. Am I always going to be drawing comparisons between my late wife and whoever I’m having sex with? Probably. Thankfully I’ve learned already that I don’t imagine her when in the moment.

Perhaps this is why Boy Widower appeals. It is quite impossible to compare a man to my wife, and men are so easy to please. Now, where’s my phone…? And my spare batteries?


4 thoughts on “More about (lack of) lesbian widow sex

  1. I love love love your posts. So freaking honest. So true to what I think and feel (except, yanno, the lesbian sex because I am merely bi and haven’t been with many women) but true in that “love you and love fucking you” way.


  2. Reblogged this on Widow Online and commented:
    Funny – I feel the same exact way most of the time. Took me years to be ok with the friends with benefits relationship – just wish I didn’t care for the FWB more than the current bf 😦


  3. Pingback: Things people search for to find this widow blog | Eerily Cheerily

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