Sleeping aid review

Sleep has always been my refuge. That was, until wife went and fucking died and my sleep hygiene went to pot. Now I have no refuge, apart from singing (another post on that another time). Can’t fall asleep, can’t stay asleep, can’t wake up, toss and turn. Ugh. Here are the suggestions made to me for better sleep and my reactions.

Lavender oil: 1/10
Fuck off. Have you ever actually had full on sleep issues? Clearly not. Go fuck yourself with your lavender and put it to better use as fragrance in soap for grandma. One point awarded since this will make you smell like grandma which, in a way, is comforting although a reminder that some people get to live until they’re old which is totes not fair when your wife died at 26.

White noise: 8/10
This surprised me. I downloaded an app, Noisli, which allows you to mix your own background noise to sleep to. Although an impossible real life sound, the combination of gentle thunder and lightening while it rains on a bonfire next to a railway track where people are chatting as if in a coffee shop like in Friends is surprisingly conducive to a period of decent enough sleep. Also good when travelling on airplanes or when you need to concentrate in the office.

Hot milk: 0/10
I don’t even understand why people would think this helps you sleep when your wife has DIED. Might be more suited to small children whose most traumatic experience is having to share their toy train at nursery, not hopelessly performing CPR on the love of your life.

Valium: 9/10
Otherwise known as Diazepam or “mother’s little helper”. Yes please. LOVE this stuff. The day after wifey died, my doctor promptly supplied me with a stash to stop me from getting super hysterical. “I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaay” (falls asleep). You can get it over the counter in Thailand for 400 baht (about £8) without any questions, Guess what I brought back as a souvenir/Christmas present to self? Otherwise, doctors are pretty strict about prescribing it as this shit is mega addictive (minus one point). Only for special occasions and definitely not to be combined with any alcohol or sleeping aids. Disclaimer – I have no medical qualifications. Talk to your doctor. Don’t follow my example. At all.

Zopiclone: 7/10
This one’s not so addictive – excellent. For me though, I get a hangover headache in the morning and feel a bit woozy. Not suitable for those with corporate jobs requiring alertness for 8am presentations in front of a group of equity partners who influence your salary.

Sex: 7-10/10. Result varies according to prowess of partner.
Widows aren’t supposed to talk about sex. But I’m no typical widow. I like sex. I had a girlfriend for a while who I thought I was in love with. No, no. Turns out I just loved the sex and the warm post orgasm feeling of conking out pretty much immediately after in someone’s arms.

Sex with yourself: 5/10
If needs must… Meh. I’m not attracted to my own hand. Doesn’t work for me. Apparently works for men. Surely it should half work for lesbians then? Maybe resulting in a short nap?

I’m totally open to your suggestions. Post your comments. I’m wide awake at 2am on a weeknight.


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